I Don’t Know

It’s 20:19pm (WAT) as I write this. A Tuesday. I just got back from my friend’s place.

Today, I submitted my resignation letter. I didn’t feel anything. Just typed something in 5 minutes, sent it to a friend for proof reading, and dropped it in the mail.

I won’t lie. I feel used. I don’t think I am supposed to feel used, but that’s how I feel. I also feel like I have built some resistance against this world, because if I begin to yarn about all the things I’ve endured ehn…

Anyways, going forward. “I don’t know” is all I know right now. I can’t say I have direction for what to do next. I’ve been confused since the beginning of the year. At the beginning, I was frustrated. But as time went on, I realised that it was a path the Lord subjected me to. A path that shut out my natural human reasoning.

I mean everyone’s supposed to have their stuff together. You know what to do at every point in time. You’re never devoid of options. Welp, that ain’t me. And to be honest, I am sooooo grateful I don’t have it all together.

It makes me remember something a friend said sometime ago. He said “allow God stir your waters.” I didn’t understand it in the context he said it, but it made sense to me in another way, lol.

In February, I struggled and resigned to God. In June, I tried to struggle again but gave up. So when my friend made that statement, I decided I was going to allow God stir my waters even if I didn’t like it. Who ‘like' epp abeg?

I am also reminded of what I told a friend a few days ago. I told him that I had been applying for jobs, but I’m sure I wouldn’t hire myself if I was the hiring manager. Because omoooo, my experiences and skill ehn. Make I no talk, lmao.

I stayed in this company for 10 months and can’t write one significant and valuable thing as experience. I also realized later on that I didn’t like website designing, so it was torture for me.

The people I worked for? All I can say is that I thank God I was able to use them to grow up spiritually. So yeah, they used me, I used them too, but for better profit. I know I didn’t pass a lot of tests. I can’t even give myself a 2 over 10, lol. But I know a little work has been done in my soul. Definitely not what God wanted. God doesn’t want to do little. He wants to do massive and wondrous works in my soul.

Lord, please forgive me for limiting You through my ignorance, stubbornness and disobedience. I pray that this new season, You grant me Mercy, Grace and Help to allow You at every point.

Okay, I need to round this up.

What is the summary of all my story?

I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to move to. I really don’t know.

All I know is I will keep surviving because God has been and will still take care of me. I definitely wasn’t surviving with what they paid. Naah.

God has been the one sustaining and providing for my natural.

Do I have plenty money as I want to?

No

Am I sad about It?

Sometimes.

Will I continue to wallow in sadness?

Never. As I keep growing, my eye is being reconfigured to esteem true riches. Life, Everlasting Life, Eternal Life.

So yes, I am going for Believers’ Convention to receive freshness from God. I have a lot of expectations. One of them is clarity. Not just for the spiritual but also for the natural. I don’t want to live anyhow or just assume. I want to move with God as He stirs my water.

Somewhere in my mind, I’m hoping this new phase is the big break I’ve been waiting for, lmao.

I think this shows that there’s still a covering cast over my eyes. Lord have mercy on me. Chai!

Why am I even waiting for a big break? A carnal reward for my supposed suffering this past months?

God please just have mercy on Your girl.

So yes! #BECON21. I AM VERY EXCITED!

Putting it plainly, it’s like this camp meeting where we get good stuff from God for 7 days!

Putting it with weight, it’s like we’re on a mountain as Moses was, covered in a cloud, gazing at Jesus Christ the Son as He reveals His divine nature to us.

What’s the essence? So we can obey and become like Him and also have His divine nature! We really just want to make God glad. When He sees us, He sees His nature in us. And then we can shower Him with all our love and mushiness, lol. What a delight…

The theme this year is really mysterious. I have this longing feeling to know. I have been reading Revelation 7 and Genesis 1–3 hoping God will show me a glimpse by mercy.

The theme is Eden Hidden Seal (I knowww! You never experrit).

It begins on Sunday, the 8th of August and runs all the way to the 14th.

If you’d like to connect, visit egfm.org/listenlive for AUDIO and egfm.org/watchlive for VIDEO. There’s a mobile app that could be easier for you. It’s the FOUNTAIN STREAM MOBILE APP, available on playstore and apple store.

When I write again, I hope to be abounding in good works; serving the Lord, Christ.

Also, timely song by Hillsong United — Know You Will.

In the meantime, here’s a picture that describes my mood right now. 👇🏾

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